When He Almost Died

Garrin got his fifth, and hopefully last blood transfusion yesterday — I know, I’ve said that before.  So far today has been pretty boring. It was a feeder/grower kind of day.  During rounds, the doctor indicated that Garrin will have another echocardiogram next week as part of protocol and to determine if he is suffering from pulmonary hypertension (PH).

*If you are ever the patient or the patient’s relative and that condition, or really any condition, is mentioned, do not Google it. I repeat, do not Google it. Actually, throw any device that can Google as far away from you as possible. That’s what I would recommend. “Do as I say, not as I do.” That’s the saying though, right?

It is probably obvious that I spent a good chunk of the morning after that conversation with the doctor Googling PH. By the time the doctor stopped back by, I was in tears. Thankfully, we had one of our top notch primary nurses tonight. She helped me to understand that most baby’s born at Garrin’s gestational age will have some degree of PH. She and the doctor also helped me to see that there is a difference between what Garrin most likely has and PH of an adult.

In our conversations about PH, I brought up Garrin’s first echo which did not show any signs of PH. The doctor mentioned that Garrin presented clinically with PH in the beginning when “[he] almost died” and he connected the awful statistics I was reading courtesy of Google to those early, terrifying days of Garrin’s life. Our nurse indicated that it is very possible that the echo will show PH, but based on Garrin’s current clinical picture, she does not think it will be severe. Should the doctors feel it necessary, there is a medication — okay, it’s the same medication as Viagra, that helps to open up those blood vessels — that he could take as long as needed.

This whole conversation, particularly the “when he almost died” part hit me really hard.  I know that he almost died, but hearing a doctor say it out loud shook me to my core, and almost instantly I realized how much I need to spend a few days at home getting a little R&R. I absolutely hate being away from my beautiful son, but I need to get a couple of nights of good sleep to refresh my soul.

“To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.” ~Jill Bolte Taylor

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