A Really Bad Spot

Mr. Garrin’s NICU roller coaster continued today. Unfortunately, he does not seem to be responding as well to the new type of ventilator as he did at first. The doctor came in and informed me today that in addition to the atelectasis in Garrin’s right lung, his left lung is hyper-inflated, meaning that it received too much pressure while on the oscillator. This lung injury is causing Garrin additional breathing difficulties. According to the doctor, Garrin is in a really really bad spot, but it’s not hopeless. I am trying to quote the doctor as much as possible here. The doctors words “really really bad spot” hit me like a ton of bricks, though I am not sure why. We’ve known the whole time that the odds are stacked against Garrin, but it struck a different cord today. The doctor also said it’s evident that Garrin is trying to hang in there and fight, and that everyone in the NICU is pulling for him. He mentioned that he woke up last night thinking about Garrin and prayed for him, which really touched my heart. The doctor went on to say that what I need to do for Garrin is love him, continue to make milk for him, and get in as much skin-to-skin time as possible.

As the team of rock stars helped us get situated for kangaroo care, the skin-to-skin time the doctor mentioned, Garrin’s oxygen saturation percentage was quite concerning. I thought I was going to have to immediately return him to the isolate. Instead, he settled down, and we were able to snuggle for six hours, yes SIX HOURS. The longer we snuggled, the better his sat numbers looked. I feel like he was giving snuggles with mom a big thumbs up — what a blessing! Unfortunately, I can’t hold him all night. They say never fall asleep holding a baby; definitely never fall asleep holding a baby on a ventilator. It probably goes without saying, but I cannot wait to get him back in my arms tomorrow.

As you are aware, my family’s life has changed dramatically in the last 2+ weeks. We don’t yet know where the journey is taking us or what we will be left with when it’s over. One thing is for sure, we will never again be the people that we were when it started. “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”―Haruki Murakami

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